You are envious, but I forgive you
Today I scanned over 1700 pages and made them into PDF files. Don't you wish you knew how to do that? I mean that, you know. You might think I'm being sarcastic, but you would be incorrect, Dear Friend. I shall proceed to tell you about the perks of my trade. You will want my job. On Tuesday I listened to five or six hours straight of This American Life. Yesterday and today I listened to Morning Edition, Fresh Air, Japanese language podcasts, podcasts about art and design, and other streaming media. Last week I listened to hours of concerts by bands I love. See, I told you you wish you had my job! Mind you I was doing work the entire time. And doing it well and productively.
Perhaps even more convincing of your desire to have my job is the power Ihold lord over the department's access to three kinds of paper, pens, post it notes, envelopes of different sizes, and various sizes of paper clips. I even have my own fancy phone with access to the company directory, which is power personified, if you never realized it before. I also have virtually immediate access to the hot chocolate and coffee machines, as well as an office area with two, count 'em, TWO! computers of my very own. You don't have all these things, do you?
If by now you are not convinced that you want my job, you, my friend, I apologize, for I have not tried hard enough. But, I suppose that does not matter, because I will be training my replacement in a matter of days. You, my friend, are too late to get the job. Why didn't you act faster? You could have been the New Master of Paper and PDFs if only you'd asked. You should have tried harder.
Although you will not be succeeding me, I will pass along my crown and scepter to the next person and will list my title as Master of Paper and PDFs on my resume and be glad for the people of my kingdom whom I have met.
Will I ever hold this much power again? Only time will tell.
[update: I did not stray and now rule this kingdom with even more clout, as I have collected additional titles--Empress of Excel, El Jefe del Frigo, and La Reine des Keytars. You may still envy the current Master of Paper and PDFs, but not as much as you should be jealous of my current situation. I have unlimited OJ. And the people in this kingdom are pretty good to be around, too.]
Perhaps even more convincing of your desire to have my job is the power I
If by now you are not convinced that you want my job, you, my friend, I apologize, for I have not tried hard enough. But, I suppose that does not matter, because I will be training my replacement in a matter of days. You, my friend, are too late to get the job. Why didn't you act faster? You could have been the New Master of Paper and PDFs if only you'd asked. You should have tried harder.
Although you will not be succeeding me, I will pass along my crown and scepter to the next person and will list my title as Master of Paper and PDFs on my resume and be glad for the people of my kingdom whom I have met.
Will I ever hold this much power again? Only time will tell.
[update: I did not stray and now rule this kingdom with even more clout, as I have collected additional titles--Empress of Excel, El Jefe del Frigo, and La Reine des Keytars. You may still envy the current Master of Paper and PDFs, but not as much as you should be jealous of my current situation. I have unlimited OJ. And the people in this kingdom are pretty good to be around, too.]
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